No Sex Please, We're Indian

I've previously posted about the 'Ask The Sexpert' column in the Bangalore Mirror and questioned its validity.  I even met someone from the Mirror who confirmed that the letters were indeed real.  I now understand why.  Read all about it...

Target Practice

I was once in the British Army, and was actually a markswoman on the shooting team.  Never once did we do this, strangely enough.  And we definitely wore more clothes.  At least during the day.

Weekend Warriors

We were adventurous this weekend. We just got back from our first official road-trip - a weekend in Kerala at the beautiful Rainforest Resort looking right across to the Athirapally Waterfalls. And while we have traveled the 'Golden Triangle' of Delhi - Agra - Jaipur by car (or Qualis, an SUV), which is about five hours per leg, we've never done such a long trip in such a short amount of time. We went with two new found friends, found over good food and flowing wine, the four of us making an interesting variation on a typically British joke, "A Hindu, A Muslim, A Catholic, and a Protestant walk into a bar..." The first friend, a bigwig at a wonderful new Indian wine company, Big Banyan came armed with many bottles; the second friend, a thespian-cum-artist-cum journalist (at, among others, our favourite, the Bangalore Mirror), armed with pencil and pad. Our ambitious journey took us from Bangalore into the state of Tamil Nadu through the Western Ghats and onto Kerala - a mere 500km, or 300 miles. Now, for those of you who have never visited India, motorways are a new fangled thing, few and far between thing, and, where they exist, are generally made up of two lanes, but filled five abreast, with traffic heading toward you in the wrong direction, trucks driving on the right (we drive on the left here), and crossed by the odd farmyard animal or pedestrian. The direction signs are great too; depending which you look at, the distance to your destination changes, as does the spelling, and the locals are no better. Stopping to ask directions - or seek confirmation - generally resulted in an argument between the two pedestrians which is probably still going on now. The bulk of our journey was via picturesque but pot-holed routes, passing through small villages, taking tea at 2 Rupees a cup from tiny street vendors, traversing tretcherous mountain sides, and getting stuck behind the odd herd of cattle/sheep/goats. We witnessed the act of 'motorized threshing....' where villagers layout their crops on the road for passing cars/trucks/cattle to run over it and 'thresh' it. It's quite ironic that someone just emailed me this piece from the International Herald Tribune on the state of India's transport system, all of which I can relate to! The net net is that a journey that on western roads might take four or so hours, took 12 there - and another 12 back. Luckily I am a sleeper. And the company was good. Plus I can hang on for a good bathroom, although I did experience everything from 'behind a bush al fresco' to 'Indian squat' to 'Western okay-ish.' After quite an adventure, we are taking a rest in Bangalore for a while, but will be hitting the road again some time soon - armed of course with wine, toilet roll, and a strong constitution!

My Lips Are Sealed...

... or rather, they almost could be, if I took advantage of the new hot surgery that's taking Bangalore by storm - Virginification (my word, not theirs...)  I was horrified to be greeted over my tea and scrambled eggs this morning with the Bangalore Mirror headline shown here, but of course, had to read on...  For the bargain price of between $500 and $2,500 - depending how much work is required - you can be again, as Madonna once sang, Like A Virgin.  And fool your family, friends, and more importantly, your future husband into thinking on your wedding night you were about to be "touched for the very first time..."  It's sad but true that even as India, and particularly Bangalore, progresses in this hi-tech era, pre-marital sex is still a stigma.  One 26-year old software professional, who recently underwent the surgery after the failure of her previous three-year live-in relationship, is quoted as saying, "My parents are looking out for a groom.  The only option I could think of was hymenoplasty.... who will accept me if I reveal the truth?"  There is of course always some humour -despite the worrying content - in these newspaper articles.  The best part of today's feature?  A nice typo, of course.  'Twenty per cent of the women, specially athletes and cyclists, have raptured hymens, despite being virgins.'  I'm so glad they're happy!!!

Breed All About It

I have a few doggie tails to catch you up on as 'dog fever' seems to have hit Bangalore.  No, it's not like 'chikungunya' fever, this is the real deal, as Bangalore hosted its annual dog show over the weekend.  We didn't get a chance to visit as seeing a large percentage of the 25,000 stray dog population every day - and hearing them at night - kind of gets you dogged-out.  However, I was compelled to write about two things:  1.  the 5-star hotel stray-dog incident and 2.  The Bangalore Mirror's 'spot-on' reporting of the current pedigree dog trend in the city.  I am firstly indebted to my favourite breeder, who reported so swiftly on the latter, and was with me to witness the former.  Note to animal activists:  she is physically breeding herself, so to speak, NOT a puppy farmer...  Anyway, the former incident involved the hilarity that ensued when a stray dog got into the inner sanctum of the 5-star Oberoi hotel here in Bangalore.  Guests were thrilled to see him scampering around the neatly manicured lawns, minding his own business, and but he outdid himself when he took not one, but two, shortcuts across a pretty little fishpond in true doggie swimming style.  The scene that resulted was quite reminiscent of a 1970's Benny Hill end-of-show sketch - except with more clothes - as the dog was chased by smartly-clad waiters, sari-cladded hostesses, groundsmen in brown pant suits, and even a toque-touting chef!  It did take a turn for the less amusing when, under obvious instructions from senior management, the groundsman took to hurling a large broom-handle at the dog.  Now I don't know a lot about dogs, but the sight of a stick - large or small - flying through the air is more a signal to 'fetch' vs. 'run away!'  I do not know what happened to the daring dog that day, but for a few fleeting moments he was the star of the show!  And equally funny in journalistic terms was this report from the Bangalore Mirror on some of the more high-end dogs that are gracing the city streets... this just goes to show that their canine scribes are about as clued in as their 'ask the sexpert' expert!

You've Made Your Bed...

Ok, so I won't go banging on about the Bangalore Mirror 'Ask the Sexpert' column for much longer, I promise.... but I don't think they realize how funny today's first entry was...

I am a 36 year old married man and my wife is 28. These days my wife and I experience body pain and backache after intercourse.

The doc's three words of wisdom?

CHANGE YOUR MATTRESS

Love it!

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...

... but just not in India, especially at school. Dubbed "the great sex debate" the Indian government's attempted introduction of sex education into schools has met with mixed responses, including some states banning the programme altogether. It's a worry. As perceptive Health Minister, Anbumani Ramadoss, put it so poignantly, "In our country, we do sex. But we don't want to talk about it and that is why we have a billion population." The topic (if anyone can bring themselves to talk about it...) is set to fuel discussions that will go on, and on, and on, and on... but it strikes me that it's about time something was done, given the apparent lack of sex education among young men and women. The grounds for this generalized assumption is through the forward-thinking Bangalore Mirror and its daily 'ask the sexpert' column. It's not a large column (no pun intended) and today appears on page 33 under 'yoga for women - issues II' and across the page from today's health tip: "fruits are natural blood cleansers and energy givers, however, be careful not to have them along with vegetables." Sound advice, I'm sure. Anyway, I digress. The 'ask the sexpert' column never ceases to cause hilarity and amazement as I sip my breakfast tea and munch on my cereal each morning. Generally, three questions are featured, mainly from men (I'm assuming) with issues such as, "my foreskin doesn't move like it did when I was a child (what's he trying to do? dance with it?); I ejaculate within five minutes of masturbation - am I infertile?; how do I get rid of my daily masturbation habit?" Our resident doctor, Dr. Mahinder Watsa (Watsa doctor doing writing for this rag - boom boom!), replies succintly and knowledgably: "see your doctor about the tight foreskin; if you are worried about infertility, consult a counsellor; and (my favourite, the one where he applies his own learning) learn better control like you would when you want to stop overeating!" What a great way to start the day!