The Bottom Line

Having returned to Bangalore from a month-long trip to the US and the UK, I can now reflect fondly on one of the more bizarre activities I undertook, namely colonic irrigation, or 'colon hydrotherapy' as it is more trendily known now.  The practice of cleansing one's colon gently with water has been practiced for centuries, but probably came to prominence in the '90s went many celebrities, e.g., Madonna, extoiled its virtues.  I've also known 'real' people to have amazing results; a couple friend of mine who were getting married undertook a series of three sessions each (less painful than a pre-nup, perhaps?) and waxed lyrical about its weight-loss, skin-purifying, and all-round-invigorating properties.  So when my New York friend was raving about her experience at The Great Jones Spa and urging me to try it, who was I to 'poo-poo' it?

The process goes like this:  Arrive at fabulous downtown spa, get in robe, go to small room equipped with bed, 'poop-removing machine', and curtained-off toilet, switch robe around so it opens at the back (don't be alarmed, the PR says, "Client modesty will be preserved at all times...'), swing up onto afore mentioned bed in foetal position and get ready for 'warm water to be gently infused into the colon while your therapist uses special massage techniques to stimulate the release of stored matter...'  Of course, to get to this point, a very sterile, brand spanking new poop removing pipe (not official terminology) has to be inserted into your butt.  Enough said.

I am told that the process - which lasts up to an hour - can be quite relaxing, cathartic, and even enjoyable.  My first experience left me wanting to curl back up into the foetal position and go home.  But I stuck with it.  And came back for a second time.  And a third time - at which point, I'm told, the real old stuff that's clogging up your colon will start to come away.  By this time, I was an old-pro and having many successful 'releases', as the therapist calls them.

It's an odd feeling laying there with a tube up your butt as someone massages your tummy, talks about dairy producing 'toxic mucus', and watches bits of you float past at high speed through the window on 'poop-removing machine'.  

What is in there?  I've heard stories about parasites as long as your arm coming out (none seen by colonic-expert of many years, Brigit Krome), or whole mushrooms appearing more than a week after consumption, and even twizzler-type shapes whizzing past (hence the more affectionate term used by me to describe this activity - twizzling).  The scariest moment had to be when I used the in-room loo pre-my first session, only to see a whole Metrocard down the pan!  If that's not the strangest thing to come out of someone, I don't know what it.  Man, that must have been hard to pass.  Sadly, I think it really fell out of someone's back pocket, but we can dream...

So, after all this twizzling, what were the end results you might ask?  Well, with the help of this and some aptly named supplements called 'The Mover' things are going pretty well in the bathroom department.  Note: Brigit says you should go after EVERY meal...  And I honestly do feel lighter. The fact that after a month of traveling, no real exercise, drinking every day, and eating out, I haven't put one lb on will vouch for that.  

Would I do it again?  You can bet your bottom dollar!

An Award Not To Be Poo-Pooed

As some of my recent postings seem to be about bathrooms, or bathroom humour, I thought I would continue this trend with the latest news to hit Bangalore. 400 villages are up for financial awards ranging from about $1,200 to a whopping $12,000. The criteria? Not a single person among the 700,000 residents of these villages goes to use the field to defecate, they all use toilets built over the last two years! This is great news for rural Karnataka, but maybe not so great news for the judges who, I kid you not, had to do not one, not two, but three rounds of verification to ensure that the criteria was being met.... urgh! For the westerners out there who have not been to India, as mentioned in previous postings, it's a regular sight to see guys peeing at the side of the road in a strange squatting position (whether it be small village road, or large highway) and indeed pooping. In fact, Tom's office overlooks a building site where every day, just after lunch, a whole gang of builders stride across the field, hard helmet in hand full of water and take up position, in full view of Tom and his 600 colleagues, and do their daily dump! These fields have become known as the Pooping Fields (to be polite). Admittedly, public toilets are scarce here and many of those are probably completely unhygenic or pay-per-pee, which I am sure would be out of reach financially for these guys. And it's not just guys faced with this issue, more hard news appeared in the Times of India this weekend about the hundreds of women who work 'on the buses' here; they are often stuck for four hours or more as there are no facilities along their routes and maybe not even when they get back to the depot. What to do?! Ladies would NEVER be seen dropping trou - or salwar kameez - at the side of the road. They have taken to not drinking water at work, which in 95 degrees+ heat is tantamount to suicide! While they would probably not dare venture in these places, I can heartily recommend my top three loos in Bangalore if you are in dire need: 1. HSBC bank on MG Road - not only has a great bathroom, but free tea too! 2. The Oberoi Hotel - great for nipping in and out if you are taken short, as the loos are near the entrance. 3. The Leela Hotel - so many loos in the hotel and the mall that you are spoiled for choice! Ok, now gotta go....

Papering over the Cracks

For a moment yesterday, I thought that my wonderful husband and Sheryl Crow had got together in some strange toilet paper conspiracy. Her suggested ban on using too much toilet paper mirrors my husband's thoughts entirely. For no apparent reason, and certainly not environmental, he is fascinated by how much toilet paper I use vs. him; the fact that I am at home more or have different needs doesn't seem to matter! He is the one, however, who has a 'special roll' from the US hidden away for emergency purposes! I think India as a whole definitely does its part to reduce the use of toilet paper; I've never been in a public toilet that has it, given that 'hand-wiping' is de-rigeur here. That said, I carry a mini 'Charmin To Go' roll at all times, just in case the need arises. In fact, the last time I was in Target, I 'wiped them clean' of the product, so I am never without. There is probably some psycho-analysis that talks about the use of toilet paper, whether you use a little or a lot, but the only stuff I can remember is from many years ago when my old boss Alan put people into categories, 'scrunchers' or 'folders'; as I recall, the scrunchers were disorganised and the folders were anally retentive (every pun intended). If you have some time on your hands, and some toilet humour, it's a great game to play! My guess is that Sheryl is a folder - you definitely can't scrunch with one sheet!