Twelfth Night, a day of firsts

How exciting can one Sunday be?  Not only do I have to look forward to taking down the Christmas Tree (here it is in all its fake glory) but we had a day of exciting firsts. Firstly, among the firsts, was one that nearly made me cry - Majesty neighed!  As ridiculous as this sounds, we have had this horse since May and not a sound has passed his lips.  He has mouthed an empty neigh a couple of times - once I believe as an apology when we were reunited after a fall and he galloped home and left me - but never the real thing.  Today we had two.  It was like a baby's first words.  Only much less distinguishable.  And a little louder.  Secondly, among the firsts, Tom went inside one of Bangalore's up and coming hyper/supermarkets, the new Tata-owned Crazy Bazaar, or something like that.  He was amazed!  Three floors of very western style supermarket, and of course the obligatory meat department selling, among other delicacies, goat chops, goat hooves, goat kidneys - very neat looking - and goat brain.  Tom was shocked how small it was.  And there was only one.  I never thought goats were known for their cerebral matter.  Finally, among the firsts, was getting 'caught by the fuzz' upon leaving afore mentioned Bazaar.  The car park was full, so our driver parked off site and came to collect us when we called. He stopped for one minute while we got in on the driveway into the store and was pounced on by one of Bangalore's finest, complete with long-lathi (i.e., big stick!).  Much arguing ensued and we figured out that the fine upstanding Policeman was trying to fine us for parking!  Tom tried to interject.  As did I.  But he took our driver's driving licence and told us to meet him across the road, by his bike.  So, dutifully we drove around and prepared for the Dibble to give our driver a ticket (or demand an unspecified amount of cash in exchange for no receipt...)  As luck would have it, across the road at the Bazaar, about half a dozen cars were stopped in the same place, so our driver quickly said that he would pay the same amount as those cars as long as the Officer went over and fined them too.  There was a little arguing from him about him only having one pair of legs and that he couldn't fine everybody, at which point he caved and let us off, without even a Rs. 10 fine!  We decided that our driver is the best arguer in Bangalore - but in typical male fashion, he assured us that that title goes to his wife!  What a day!

From the Horse's Mouth...

If only horses could talk.  I'm sure they'd make a lot more sense than some of their human counterparts.  Not that it normally matters to me.  Here is Majesty saying, "How'd you like my new Christmas headcollar?"  See, without even speaking, I know what he's saying...  He lets you know what he's thinking in his own little way.  Like the time Tom told me, "he's telling you 'enough already'" when he (Majesty, not Tom) tried to take a chunk out of me as I struggled to clean his dandruffy mane for far too long.  Thinking about it, Tom does the same too if I'm preening for too long...  And the time that he jumped in the air and spun around a few times when he heard a firecracker; that was him saying "I'm scared, someone's trying to shoot me..." Thankfully Tom was riding him at the time.  And today, he seemed depressed.  The first time I have encountered my horse in a miserable, unhappy, head hung low kind of mood.  It all became clear after a short time riding; he was a little lame on one leg and lugging around my post-Christmas weight was obviously making it worse.  So, we set off back to the stables for a 'shot of bute' to relieve the pain and, I kid you not, a 20-minute heat lamp treatment, administered by moi, on his rump.  He was very patient throughout the process, looking back a few times to see what was going on, but for the most part standing patiently while I heated him up - and hung onto my aching arm.  In an effort to humanize the process, I even tried a little 'deep tissue massage' to help the healing along.  Majesty can now look forward to a couple of days of rest, perhaps some time in the paddock (unless like last time, he jumps out of his into someone else's and proceeds to start a fight....) and be fit and well for a Sunday morning ride.  Let's hope when he sees us his 'horsey voice' is the usual - welcoming and friendly - and not screaming "bugger off to the gym, lard asses, I need to rest up my leg!"

Do They Know It's Fake-mas At All?

I have tried getting into the Christmas spirit.  I spent hours on our Holiday newsletter and Christmas Card.  I listened to my Christmas music compilation over and over, from The Ramones to Bing Crosby and even Wizzard and Mud for the 70's Glam Rock fans.  I even bought a 4ft fake tree (made in Madras).  But it hasn't hit me yet.  It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when it's 80 degrees outside and the only Santa you might see here is a skinny fellow dressed in a red crushed velvet suit.  Not that I like Santa, but you get the drift.  And the drift.  There IS no snow drift here.  I miss waking up in Manhattan to 3ft of snow excitedly thinking that I can't get to work, but knowing that NYC transit is so efficient that there's no excuse. Unless you are commuting from Canada.  I even miss the time we spent seven hours delayed on the tarmac at JFK on Christmas Day - without a drink or even a bit of tinsel to raise the festivities.  Our Fake-mas Day, it's been decided, will be spent at Olive Beach, our favourite mediterranean restaurant, where we will dine al fresco on a buffet of unlimited turkey, ham, and eggnog (I'm told).  It's $50 per head, expensive here, but a bargain in the west, and am determined to drink every cent in alcohol.  And then some.  But I miss Starbucks Eggnog, and the surly assistant who once told me that he couldn't make it 'extra hot' as the egg would cook... I doubt that the Egg in Nog is really Egg, just fake egg.  I even bought some DVD's to watch in my blissful stupor that evening; of course, they're fake, from the fake DVD store, but where else can you get movies that have only only JUST been released in the cinema?  I've done all my shopping:  a mad dash round Marks and Spencers in Leeds for the UK family; an extravagant couple of hours in Terminal 4 Duty Free for Tom; and hours online at Amazon and the like for the US tribe.  Not quite Fifth Avenue and Regent Street!  I actually miss spending hours ramming Christmas cards and cash into envelopes to pay Christmas tips to the garage attendants (all 24 of them, most of whom we didn't know), hairdresser, dry cleaner, building superintendent, garbage men, mailmen, etc., etc.  I actually do it here too but it's an exercise that I completed just a month ago as most of our staff and 'service workers' are Hindu and celebrate Diwali, not Christmas.  Until Christmas comes, then suddenly, it's amazing how many Christians come out of the woodwork!  There's much debate here over 'how much is enough' and I play by the 'one month's salary at Diwali' and 'half a month's salary at Christmas.'  I figure that buys me enough good Karma with the Christians AND Hindus for the rest of the year.  So the driver, the maid, the flower lady, the ironing guy, the apartment staff, and our 'stylists' will all benefit.  We even donated enough to buy Christmas gifts for 10 people at the NGO I teach at.  That made me feel the Christmas spirit.  For a minute.  So, as I struggle with the tree tonight and string up the Christmas cards - all four of them - I will continue desperately to get into the mood.  But know that there is nothing more I miss than a rerun of The Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show, a real Christmas Pudding, some Crackers, and, of course, being with our family to eat, drink, and be merry - and then fall asleep in front of the TV!

A Christmas Mail Miracle

The mail in India is an interesting thing: letters from one end of the country to the other can take weeks, if they ever get there, while letters from the US to India can take mere days. And packages are a big problem: will they get here unopened, contents intact, or will they be opened, bits missing, and taxes due (depending on the contents, and the day of the week, it seems you can be taxed different amounts!) So imagine my surprise today when a Christmas card, mailed in the US a few days ago, arrived despite it bearing only the first line of our address, the suburb spelled completely incorrectly, no mention of Bangalore or the zip/post code, and India handwritten on the label as an after thought. It's sad to say, but this small mail miracle made my day!

You're Never Too Old...

... to sit on Santa's lap! No, I didn't go specifically to see him - I spent this morning photographing kids on his lap at the Overseas Women's Club Christmas Bazaar, so I popped myself on there too! It was interesting to see the kids' reactions - some smiles, some tears, some terror. My mum tells me she once pulled Santa's beard off and I have memories of wanting to do the same. In fact, my sister-in-law Lauren told me that she was instructed to 'reverse her child' towards him so that he didn't get too scared! Is it really worth it? If he's that bad, and kids are that scared, don't go see him. In fact, just mail him a letter - or better still, email him. I did, and here's his reply...

Merrrryyyy Christmas Julie!!

Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Bangalore! The Net sure is wonderful because now I can get emails from Bangalore and around the world in the blink of an eye. Even Rudolph gets emails... from pets! Why, here's Rudolph right now! HO!! Ho!! ho!! He just asked me to say 'Hi!' to you!

Jumping Jingle Bells, Julie! Are you fibbing to ol' Santa Claus?!? You can't possibly be 40 years old already! Why it seems like only yesterday that I was leaving presents for a certain little girl and here you are now, practically one of Santa's elves! (*grin*)

Sorry the presents the last little while probably haven't been quite as exciting as they were when you were a little girl but, well, you know how these things go (*wink*). Anyway, Santa's glad to see some of the 'older kids' (not to mention anyone in particular!) still take the time to write. I also hear you've been a REALLY REALLY good girl. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you? HO!! Ho!! ho!!).

Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. horse; 2. diamond earrings and; 3. video camera. HO!! Ho!! ho!! I see you'd like a special little friend for Christmas! Whether you want a real horse or just a pretend one, caring for a horse takes a lot of work and love! Santa and Rudolph want to make sure all pets are loved and cared for (just like you!) so, just to be sure, we'll have to check with your family to make sure its ok with everyone. I hope you'll talk to your family about getting a horse too. But remember, just because I can't bring you a horse this year doesn't mean you don't deserve one. Sometimes the horse you want needs extra special care or pets aren't allowed where you live. Of course, if you do get a horse for Christmas, the two of you will have to email Rudolph every year to let him know how you're doing!

Oops! I guess I shouldn't have had that last cookie because a button just popped right off my suit. I better go see if Mrs. Claus has any thread left! ho!! Ho!! HO!! Take care Julie and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 30 more sleeps until Christmas!!

Forever and Always Your Friend,

P.S. The reindeer say "Thank You!" for the nice treats! I hope you don't mind, but I had a bit of carrot and celery too. After all, even Santa eats his veggies!

P.P.S. I've attached a special postmarked copy of your email below so you can print it off and show it to all your friends or put it on your fridge.

Christmas is Coming!

I was reminded today of how quickly the year rolls by. Even though according to my google home page, it's 81 degrees in Bangalore, a mild 57 in New York, and a positively balmy 64 in Leeds (all the cultural capitals of the globe are listed on my page...) it's Christmas time on the L.L.Bean website! As I peel off another layer in the Bangalore humidity, I was reminded by email that 'holiday season' is just around the corner, and invited to do some shopping on their website. As yet, there is no branch in Bangalore, so I will have to be content with online shopping for my inlaws and friends in the States. Folk, look out, some pink shearling slippers may be winging their way to you - soon! For my part, please send more mosquito repellant, sunscreen, and J.Crew vests!